Musings on Mediocrity

mediocre (adjective): of only ordinary or moderate quality

If you're anything like me, you have two settings:

1. You're confident and feel positively unstoppable, or

2. You're picking yourself apart for every single thing.

Anxiety and depression are a real pain in the ass, and one of the feelings I struggle with most is feeling like nothing I do is ever quite "good enough." I've set out to do a lot in my life, and I get into these headspaces where for some reason, I feel like I've failed at all of it.

I'm married to a wonderful man, but I feel like I'm just an OK wife. I went through two really tough pregnancies and gave birth to two (now healthy) premature babies, but I feel like I'm just an OK mom. I've taught for almost 20 years, but I've never won "teacher of the year," so I'm just OK. I was a Zumba instructor, but I never really had a huge following, so that means I was just OK at it.

I completely transformed my body and lost 45 pounds, building up a ton of muscle and, but I focus on some of the loose skin from my tough pregnancies and think that makes my body just OK. I wrote and published a book completely on my own (while working full-time and raising two kids) that's reached audiences in EIGHT different countries, but it's just an OK book because it never blew up on TikTok or because I don't have thousands of followers/readers.

You get the picture.

And it got me thinking: who exactly am I competing with? What makes any of those things "just OK" versus "absolutely amazing"?

To what ridiculous standard am I even holding myself?

I don't write this to gain sympathy; I write this because I know there are so many others who feel this way, that no matter what you do or how successful you are, you're going to pick yourself apart because that's what you do. If my book sold 80 copies, I'd think it was a failure because it wasn't 100. If I somehow tightened up some of that loose skin, I'd find something else about my body to pick apart. If I did win "teacher of the year", I'd think someone just nominated me out of pity or that there was no one else to pick.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

I honestly have no idea, but one of the changes I've been trying to actively make is to knock that shit off. When I hear my brain telling me things I know aren't true, I call it out, intervene, redirect the ship into safer waters. Listen, it's not easy, especially when my anxiety and depression step in and try to take over. Admittedly, some days are certainly better than others. And since when is being average necessarily a bad thing? I mean, you can't excel at everything you attempt to do, but for the few things at which you do excel?

OWN THEM.

Every year, I get letters and emails from a few students who tell me how much I changed their lives and how much they enjoyed my class. "Teacher of the year" to my colleagues? Maybe not...but I was to those few kids, which is why started teaching in the first place.

A handful of people have told me how much they loved my debut novel, and so far, I've made FOUR of my beta readers cry with my upcoming novel. Amazon bestseller? Maybe not...but my writing moves people, which is what I set out to do.

Let yourself measure success not by some unattainable standard that very few people are able to achieve without (most likely) a ton of money, stress, and heartache, but by the influence you have on your small circle.

I love this quote:

"True greatness is shown through one’s works and actions, the way in which you impact the lives of others. Greatness does not make excuses or shy away from failure. Again, most importantly, greatness does not define itself based on someone else’s greatness." 

Maybe we're not all called to or destined for "greatness." But the cool thing is: when you set your own parameters and redefine "greatness" for yourself?

You start to realize that maybe you've already achieved it.